1:34 PM | Comment? | 0 comments
Overused title, yes I know. There are just a few things I'd like to express...
I'm feeling the inability to talk appropriately/reply appropriately to conversations. IT's coming back again. It sucks. It just makes every conversation I have with people awkward again.
Argh. Why now. Why before the exams. Why when I'm going to party with my friends soon enough again.
I know for the majority of my friends, you're probably like rolling your eyes going like 'Oh Lord, her anti-socialness again.' I know you're probably annoyed and shit by me. And how I keep harping on and on about how anti-social I feel at times.
Y'all keep telling me to be natural and stuff, just be myself... And yeah, sometimes it works... Sometimes everything I yak about just spills out smoothly from my mouth.
That happened a lot during the China trip. I don't know why. But now. I don't know. I feel anti-social again.
IT's like... It gets hard to talk. It's hard to think of an appropriate response. Hard to. I don't know. Just talk. I don't know what to say. Oh so ironic that another politician from Crescentian's catchphrase encapsulates all my feelings most of the time. Anyway, my 'dont know what to say' is different from hers. Hers is like, well, she's talking from a script and she doesn't know how to do impromptu that well or something (p.s.: Pardon if I'm not making sense, I'm sick and since the weather is so hot my parents refuse to turn off the air-con, so ya la...). But I bet if she's around her friends she knows what to say... How to react naturally... Etc...
For me I really don't know what to say or do. Like, I'm forcing myself to think or be hyper, etc. I mean, like... AIYA, I JUST DONO WHAT TO SAY LAH! KAO.
I mean literally. Are you guys sick of me yet? I hate myself for being so awkward. I hate it. Then everyone will give me this wide berth and, idk, it seems stupid and childish but then it seems like everyone's "unfriending me". Aiya, for lack of a better term la shit you! Then later when I become hyper-ish and confident and crazy and stuff again everyone comes again.
Xinyi told me is because people don't wanna approach me if I'm sad. She says that's what she feels anyway when she sees me like quiet and stuff. Cos what if she accidentally lights the explosives?
And, like, yeah quite true... When I'm quiet I want yet don't want people to come talk to me. Does that make sense? I want them to come talk to me because I want to talk to people and I'm lonely... But I don't want them to come talk to me because I'm afraid things'll get awkward and then next time they'll have this bad impression that I'm awkward and shit.
Argh. Why me. It seems like I'm the only one in school who gets this bipolar-ish. And by bipolar I mean a little bipolar because if you go look up the meaning of bipolar on google, it means sometimes I get into a manic phase in which I become all hyper and creative and shit. Which sometimes happens to me for no reason (most of the time, though, it's induced by panadol. Yeah, panadol is my drug. Go away.) and then I can stay up until like 3 or 4 and be perfectly chirpy the next day as if I slept at 9 or something. But anyway. Steering off-track again.
Why am I the only one whose brain likes to give me crazy mood-swings? But in this case is it social-swings? :/ Idk. Anyway. Why can't I be consistently always talkative and shit? Why must I be one day on one day off or odd days off and on or the on can drag for a long time or the off can drag for a long time.
Have you been reading until this sentence? Are you sure? Or have you already left halfway, making a mental note to never approach me ever again because I'm so stupid and weird?
... Ugh. Just looked at a few people's facebook profiles. How come some people are just so ON all the time? Plus they're pretty?
Oh shit not again with the outer beauty thing.
I actually.. Nowadays I actually don't really give a shit about my face. I just cannot stand it when I binge on fast food and shit, then I'll feel really unhealthy and like I'm going to just keel over and die or something.
This pretty much concludes my anti-social post.
I only just realised this was the anti-social post I promised two posts ago. Lol.
Back to studying the valency table/clay marble/the heart/STDs.
Aigoo. Tmr is exam and I'm so unprepared.
I am too amused by this to be rational.